Unprompted

I don't normally write impromptu posts, but I was compelled to simply write and praise God for the marvelous, prayer answering, faithful and holy God that He is. He is so much kinder to us, so much more patient with us, than anyone deserves. This modern mentality which demands what we deserve does not take into account that we deserve nothing, and that what we do have this is good is only a gift from God, purely by His grace.

Sometimes I feel like a terrible wretch when I'm grappling with sin. Sometimes I succumb to do something I know I should not; other times I refrain from doing what I ought. In both instances I stand under the solemn conviction that I have been less than what God desires to make me, and this deeply saddens me.

Sometimes I can't wonder, perhaps only from the seat of my emotions, how much mankind disappoints God.  The attack comes when I am low, or after I have triumphed in the faith; then comes the letdown. Most times I suffer it alone because it is hard to permit another to bear my burdens with me. I know this is not how God views things--that His children are disappointments--but nonetheless these are honest thoughts that invade...especially when I know I have deliberately transgressed His will.

Sometimes I am harder on myself than I need be; for the inventions of man sometimes far outstrip God's word in what we ought, or ought not, be ashamed about. I despise sin, if for no other reason than it blemishes God's image in me and invites the danger of maligning His name when I do so. What I confess is sometimes not what I practice, and these two war within my mind for dominion; sometimes I am just a prisoner, violently torn between what is right and what I want in the flesh.

God never told us this walk would be simple or easy. In fact He made it clear that it would be otherwise, and that sometimes it would terribly so; His consolation is that He never forsakes or leaves us. He provides what we lack to see us through the trials, temptations and even the sin that ensnares us, to take us from all of it and create in us something for His use and pleasure. I know this because Scripture declares it, and I see it in others and myself (though its harder to see). But sometimes I simply feel low. I feel lost. I've taken my eyes from the Shepherd, and when I am in such a situation, it isn't always easy to go back because we face the wrongs we've committed.

I love my God, and pray that He perfects my weakness. I could name the blessings He administers off the top of my head and rejoice. He saved me from a disastrous first marriage that nearly ruined me. He gave me a believing wife and I had the privilege of leading her to the Lord. I am blessed with three children, a management job, a home, friends, a body of believers that is like minded. I have His open word to read whenever I wish, and I live in a country where such freedom still exists. I have power to help others less fortunate, and I have been called back to my Lord after so many years of wandering into various lusts and pleasures that have left many scars in me. Out of these all the Lord delivered me.

There was no real reason to write other than to praise my God and confess my foolishness, my tendency to still stray and do what I know is wrong to gratify myself. I know God is not finished with me, but sometimes even this brief life feels like an eternity waiting to be with Him. I take comfort knowing that what I have is from Him in this life, and that one day I shall have Him to myself, and this body of sin with all the struggles will be no more. For that, if nothing else, I say: praise the Lord!